Dante’s 9 Circles of Hell (as told by a couple of So Cal Natives)

Hey all, Alex and Emily here!

Dante’s Inferno is a very famous book that we all read at much to young an age to care. Little did we know out of all of the books we were forced to read throughout our young lives, maybe the most mind numbing one would come to be the most relatable.

So the other day while Alex and myself were sitting in “Jamzilla” on the 405 North on our way to visit friends in Woodland Hills, it donned on us that sitting in that kind of traffic must be some kind of cosmic punishment. We then had the brilliant idea to think of what exactly our nine circles of hell would look like. Here is a taste of what Dante’s 9 circles of hell look like through the eyes of Southern California natives (females that is).

1. Jamzilla:

For those of you readers who don’t reside from the greater Los Angeles area, yes, we do name our traffic jams now! Jamzilla was special fun, three out of five lanes on the 405 freeway North between Sunset and Getty Center were closed for “construction,” though there certainly didn’t appear to be any. Since this is what inspired this post, we decided there would be a special circle of hell dedicated to such nonsense.


Somewhere in this mess, you’ll find Emily and I having minor mental breakdowns.

2. Cardio Day:

Recently, Emily and I decided to get our lives together in at least one way and get our asses into shape. My trainer at the gym has us on a schedule to lose what I’m going to call the “of legal drinking age” weight, where every other day we have to switch from strength training to burning 1,000 calories doing cardio. How do I explain how doing that much just straight cardio feels? Well. A picture is worth a thousand words (a thousand words for a thousand calories of cardio).


Here we see Alex’s sports bra, nearly an hour after said Hell took place.

3. Constant Bikini Waxes:

Do we need to explain this one? Really? Ouch.

4. Being severely hungover… forever.

Emily and I are proud (proud, concerned, ehh potato, potato. Which incidentally is what most vodka is made out of! I digress) to say that we can drink even some of our male friends under the table. However, this power comes with heavy consequence. Heavy, painful ones. However, a trip to Starbucks for coffee and bagels usually does the trick. Or for us this past Saturday, a trip to Starbucks, Souplantation, two really long showers, some smart water, Advil, and loooooots of whining did the trick. The thought of feeling that way forever though? Need I explain further?

5. Having to break up with someone super nice every day. Like a torturous, reversed version of the movie 50 First Dates:

Breaking up is hard. It’s especially hard when you have to do it with someone so nice and wonderful that you just don’t feel that romantic connection with for whatever reason. Not to be confused with the fictional term “friend zoning,” where apparently some nice gentlemen are made to be tortured by being friends with girls who don’t feel a romantic connection to them. Which just sounds just like torture, I know.



Sorry bud, “friend zoned” again!

6. Job hunting process but never actually attaining a job.

This one is a little close to home because it’s sort of how I feel right now. The job hunting process is a lot of awkward encounters, lot’s of searching, lot’s of resumes, but usually it will literally pay off in the long run. However, constantly looking and never being hired would be like a swift kick to my self esteem and my sanity.

7. Giving non-stop blow jobs for the rest of eternity:

Before the fedora wearing gentlemen like the fella photographed above get offended, please let me explain this one. It’s not like it’s never fun or okay, it’s the actual act of having a banana-like object that you can’t ever bite down into shoved in your mouth for extended periods of time. So doing that forever is a very special form of hell. *Insert pun about sucking it up and doing it anyways here*


8.   Having to hang out with your ex forever:

I don’t care how well or bad the relationship ended, you may be on speaking terms, but being forced to be with them forever is just evil. There’s still a reason you broke up and for the most part, it was a damn good reason.

9. Watching your parents do the dirty:

Sex is a fact of life and we all know that your parents did it like, at least once to have you. But other than that, never. Never ever.

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